Carys Weldon Blog

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Cry, why don't you?

I went for an MRI yesterday. They checked my back out.

I'm a little claustrophobic, and struggle a lot with anxiety these days, so they drugged me up. It's a good thing. That machine was tight--only inches around me. And I was cold the whole time. If you get it done, definitely take the offered medication and the hot blankets.

The shot hurt like a son of a gun. I wanted to cry. Tears sprang to my eyes, and I thought, "Ya big baby, grow up."

But the nurse said, "Usually people cry out over that. I'm impressed. I've had it before and it hurts...hurts alot."

And I thought, "Ya got that right."

Normally, I'd rub the spot, but not there, not with that burning fire lump lodged in my hip. Which is probably why it hit me later.

After the MRI was over, I got up, thought I was fine. But once I got home, that medication hit me for real. I ended up sleeping all the rest of the day and through the night. Well, I did get up for bathroom breaks and to get a couple drinks.

But, man. It kicked my butt.

I had a couple of things I was supposed to do today but I couldn't make myself do anything. And I'm under orders not to drive for 24 hours. When they told me that, I just laughed and nodded, "Sure. Whatever you want."

But now I see the logic in it.

Have any of you had an MRI done?

On some levels, it isn't a big deal. I mean, nothing invasive, unless you get sedated. And all you do is lay there. Sounds like a nothing, eh?

I flipped a 1400 lb horse over about ten years ago and never got it checked out, but I know I messed up three different places in my back. I get a lot of headaches when it's out. And one part sends shooting pains down my left leg. The middle section...used to make me blind when it went out. No kidding. I guess a rib was out of whack or something. When it went way out, I couldn't see. Thought it was a form of migraine or something. Got treated for migraines, even.

Then a chiropractor heard my story and said, "If ya don't mind me laying on you, I can fix that, I think."

He did. Laid all over me. I remember thinking...if it didn't hurt so much, I could enjoy that. He was a cute doctor. (A little short for my tastes, but...)

My older girls kept asking me if he was single. He wasn't, but is now. I'm thinking his wife found out he'd been laying all over his patients. But what do I know? Anyhow, he fixed that problem, but I'm still having the other issues.

It was way past time to have it checked out properly. But I hate to sign up for more medical bills. Are you like that? I'll let myself go and go until I have no choice and I have to go see a doctor.

Part of me is sure that they'll find something wrong, and then there's another part of me that is sure they won't. What if I've been whining all this time (TEN YEARS) and they say, "Hm. Sorry. We don't see anything."

What will I do then?

Of course, there's the skeptic in me that says, even if they find something, they'll say it isn't bad enough to fix...yet.

Or worse, they'll say, wow, you need surgery asap.

Of course, the risks of surgery are blindness, headaches, pains in your legs, paralysis and possibly death.

So, I have to decide whether I want to live with it or not.

I'm suicidal, the death part doesn't scare me. But damn...I don't wanna be paralyzed if I have a choice. Ya know?

This is...living in fear. I've got fears for either way it goes.

As an intuitive person, I know that I must let go of fear. I must trust in the higher power to direct me on the right path.

The path that will give me the most spiritual growth.

See where I'm going? I'm afraid that a wheel chair is that path.
I had an aunt that was wheel chair bound at a very young age.
She managed. And I have several wheel chaired friends.
Some very cool people who never let their situation get the best of them.
I admire them completely. But that doesn't mean I want to take on that added struggle.

Am I the only one that fights fear like this?
Do you think I'm just being silly and need to get over myself?
(If so, you won't be the first person to tell me that.)
So, go ahead. Tell me what you think.

Posted by CarysWeldonblog :: 9:20 AM :: 3 Comments:

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3 Comments:

No, you aren't the only one who deals with fear like that. I am SO like that always. I totally understand where you're coming from and going to.
I analyse and analyze(which is it, the s or z)! LOL.

By Blogger robynl, at 1:16 PM  

First, you are NOT the only one who fights fear like that. Second, if it's been 10 years, I'm not real sure surgery will be an option. I could be wrong. :s

I do that to, let myself go and go and go and resist seeing the doctor. It's past time for me to go anyway. I've got to see him before he'll OK a refill for my diabetes meds.

As far as the fear part goes, I do it too. My biggest one? Going totally blind because of the way my eyesight is anyway and/or because of complications from diabetes.

By Blogger Jen, at 5:18 PM  

(I have to answer this, I can't help it.)

I analyse and analyze(which is it, the s or z)! LOL.

Analyse = English/Canadian spelling, possibly northeast US also.

Analyze = US spelling, mostly

By Blogger Jen, at 5:20 PM  

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