Carys Weldon Blog

Friday, January 26, 2007

Talking about sex

I had this post almost finished and my power went out. Only for a second. Only long enough to choke my computer. SO annoying.

I was talking about sex and euphemisms that people use, and I was quite witty. Sorry you missed that. If this post comes across weak now because I cannot remember all I rambled over already, try not to hold it against me.

Oh well. Talking about sex. Yeah, baby. You know that's what I like.

Since we have five kids, my husbnad and I had to develop other terms to refer to sex...because you know kids do stuff like, "Eeeewwww. You're not talking about sex, are you?"

Even when we kiss or pat each other on the butt or whatever as we pass--which happens all the damn time--or if we stand remotely close to each other (probably because we touch a lot)--they say, "Hey, stop that crap. There's kids present here." Even the ones that are over 21 now STILL do it.

We are unrepentant on the touching because a good relationship between a man and woman is made better by attraction and physical closeness. Heads up people, if you are not getting along, get friendly. The man (or woman) WILL come around. Will come. Will come around. You get it.

So, of course, we use euphemisms. Doesn't everybody?

We try to be sly. But hell, if you have the "I want sex" gleam in your eye, or the "I've just been fucked" look--people can tell, can't they?

I think so. And the desire to do it gets spread around when you see that, doesn't it?

Do you use creative terms? Or hear others using commentary that you know has to refer to sex?

We often refer to "Getting Friendly" and "Homework." Mention homework in front of my kids (probably all kids) and they immediately shut you out of their brain. They don't wanna talk about it. They don't wanna hear about it. Your lips can move all day and they don't hear a word you say.

My kids are lucky. They are all smart. They get A's and B's without cracking a book. Homework? Holy crap, if they bring a book home and open it, I know something's going on. (Usually a love interest taking all their attention in that one class.) They never bring it up, though, and they do NOT wanna talk about it.

Adults, on the other hand, do tend to perk up when it is mentioned. Oh? Really? Someone is getting a higher education?

Yeah, right. We're getting higher education at our house. It's called brushing up on basics. hehehe

Anyhow--oh, hey. CMT has commercials in the middle of their videos now. What the heck is that all about? In case you wondered--Tim McGraw is singing to me. Is that cowboy built for riding, or what? (Geez. My mind has been in the gutter for days straight.) Sorry, but the man has sex appeal.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, euphemisms and talking sex and smack in public. Okay, I'm not into smacking anything. Not the monkey, or the chicken or anything else. But I often tell my husband I might take it up. Just for good measure. (Okay, let your brain go with this one. What do we measure? In the bedroom? What might deserve to be smacked? A man. A man's, well, you know.)

So, uh, I just really wanted to give you a warning. LOL That's because I'm getting ready to face what I call "the conference season." I may be eating a banquet with some of you. I know I should keep this to myself, but I really am a TMI queen.

If you're ever sitting at a table with me and I randomly throw in a convo with my hubby that says, "We need to talk about the homework." I'm really saying, "I'm thinking about sex." Ditto with the term "honey-do list."

He's italian. The only list Tony takes from a woman is what I want in bed. The rest can go to hell. BUT tell the man he's falling behind on his homework and you might have to get someone else to hire-in for the work? He gets after it.

Say there are some jobs around the house that need done--we ARE talking plumbing. We ARE talking ditch work, and building bridges. Definitely referring to getting into the trenches. So, if you hear construction talk around us, we are really talking about IT.

Ditto with farm talk like plowing. Or riding horses. Well, RIDING in general.

Especially if I bring up something like bull riders. If I say, "I heard about the guy that went the full 8 seconds at the Nationals." History: We used to live outside of Las Vegas, NV where the National Finals Rodeo is held. If I bring up the NFR, I'm talking about the last sex we had in Vegas--most likely. Just trying to pop a picture in his head.

Or if I bring up that Tim McGraw song Live Like You Were Dying--talks about a guy who went what? 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fumanchu. Yeah, when we talk in public about timing of cowboys--bull or bronc riding--that's a euphemism for sex and usally getting a quickie.

If I refer to any celebrity or singer and their jeans or chest or whatever...I am seriously thinking about sex. Am I the only woman that does that?

I am happy that my husband gets that (most of the time.) Because, ultimately, the man wants to take care of his own business. Which is only as it should be.

I think it's funny how table talk in polite company goes with us. Heads up in case you ever sit at my table--I really, really DO talk about sex all the time. I believe Vickey tunes in here--she can wholly attest that I canNOT behave myself in polite company.

And I used to be so good. So virginal. Now, I'm just wickedly good at puns. Last year, I sat at a banquet table talking about bones (in the ribs) and eating meat and oh, my heavens, I thought Vickey was gonna fall out of her chair...because she and another friend of ours--who I'll call Spirithealer--were the only two at the table getting the bad innuendoes. The rest at the table were, uh, I think teachers from the Baptist University or something. I do believe I mentioned that after it happened.

If a woman says to a man, "Oh, did I tell you we have a leak?"
It means, "I'm thinking about sex and getting wet."

If a woman says, "I need to go back to the room for a few minutes."
It means, "I'm thinking we could squeeze in a quickie."

If a man says, "You think?"
It means, "Right behind you, honey. You go, I'll come."
Yeah, pun intended.

If a woman looks at a man and says, "I was thinking about unusual terms, like tickle my fancy."
She's talking about him tickling her fancy. No, totally seriously.

And he if he doesn't get it, the girl needs to reach over and touch his thigh. Isn't that the most natural place for lovers to drop a hand to?

Okay, I'm running on here. Your turn. Got any euphemisms? Yours or some you've heard?
Wanna try your hand at coming up with a pun that will work. I swear, if it's good, I'll use it!

Posted by CarysWeldonblog :: 5:38 AM :: 1 Comments:

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no euphemisms here lol just hunny can I have some.

By Blogger Pamk, at 7:54 PM  

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