Tuesday, April 29, 2008
I am beautiful, no matter what they say.I started my day with an early phone call. My husband's vehicle broke down and he needed me to come get him and take him to work. He said it was running fine, but very low on gas. He made it to the gas station, filled it, and then it started up, then puttered as soon as he turned out of the parking lot. He thinks it might have too much air in the line. So, it's now sitting in a Lowe's parking lot in Ozark.
I took him to work, picked up a prescription at my dr's office and came home.
Since I'm leaving again in two days, and will be gone for a few weeks, I thought I'd look in the fridge to see what needed cooked or tossed or whatever. Way too much stuff. I guess my son only ate cereal and soup while I was gone the last time. Even the sandwich deli meats are still sitting...probably on the edge of being bad. I hate to even consider opening the packages to sniff.
Frying bacon. It's outdated but smelled okay. It's today or the trash can. Good thing I like bacon, huh?
I'm going to write today, even if it kills me. Ignore the mounting piles of emails, and the LITERALLY WAIST HIGH laundry pile I came home to.
My second daughter, Savannah, came down while I was at the Romantic Times Convention, and cleaned Cheyenne's room. I understand she tossed a ton of clothes in the trash. I don't even want to look.
I'm going to stop buying my girls clothes altogether. I don't think they value them. One year for Christmas, I spent $400 a piece on clothes, and left the tags on so they could exchange them if they wanted to, and mostly so they could see the value. (Yeah, do the math. THIS IS WHY I'M IN THE POOR HOUSE. I've been too generous.) But...can you guess this? Two of them said they gave most of them away with the tags still hanging on. So, that sort of ruined that fun little shopping thing I used to do. My husband put his foot down.
Although I still buy them things here and there. Too much, it seems.
I don't know why I'm thinking about that except for the fact that I did laundry all day yesterday and already have a load in this morning. And I'm sniffly over the fact that my kids are growing up, moving out, not talking to me as much as they used to.
I miss them. I miss their company, their jokes, and their laughter. Their stories of every day traumas and dramas at school and work.
Is it a mistake to spend twenty some years doing nothing but living for your kids? And is there a way to deal with the fact that they move on and don't even seem to look back, except maybe to criticize?
No. Nobody's criticized me lately. I hung up on the last two that did call for that purpose, and they haven't forgiven me for it, I guess. Never mind the fact that they weren't being very nice to me.
God, sometimes I wished I'd died on that operating table. What IS my purpose on this planet?
Do you ask yourself the same thing? I mean, there has to be a reason we are here.
I don't think it is so we can suffer. When I do my motivational speaking, I feel great, I feel like that's what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I need to perk up my spirit here.
I'm playing that Christina Aguilara song again (I AM BEAUTIFUL). Always makes me think of a day I yelled at my third daughter, Miranda. She went into the bedroom and played it over and over again, and both of us cried through the whole day.
Crying again. Damn. I need to get over my kids and myself. I wonder if I wrote a women's fiction type of novel about a mother...if that would help me work through the residual issues I have. I mean, on one hand, I look at my kids and see how wonderful they are. And on the other, I see that they don't seem to notice that their dad and I are people who suffer from the way they deal with us.
On the women's fiction issue...I met Britta Coleman this weekend. She wrote a book called Potter Springs that has won a bunch of awards. It's about a woman that runs away from her kids, and what her husband does to get her back. If you're looking for a read this week, you might look for it. She was a wonderful, positive speaker.
I'm guessing her book is of the same ilk as she presents. Maybe I should have bought it?
Anyhow, that's how my day is going. Now, tell me something good about yours.
*hugs*
Jennifer
4 Comments:
Oh sweetie, you opened a can of worms on this one. I do so know how it is to raise kids the best we know how, make sure there are clean clothes, meals, taxi service, social secretary, you name it and most moms can relate to some of it. I thought we were a great family unit. It seemed that way until after they married. I do want to make it clear: I think the world of my daughter-in-law and son-in-law and I'm not blaming them. It's just that most of the time they think in lines of a babysitter when they think of me. Neither my son or daughter called me on my 60th birthday..too busy, forgot, etc. For some ridiculous reason I feel I need to make sure their gifts for birthdays, anniversary, valentines, Easter, etc, yep we do them all, are on time. It's hard to not feel loved and appreciated. I want no monetary items, just kids who value their parents and at least see the many times we went out of our way to make sure they were able to do something or gave of our time to help them move, build fences, play "mom" while they globe trot to Africa, India, etc. I'd love for either of my children or both to sit down and write a letter of their memories growing up. What memories they treasure and maybe some that weren't so joyous. I feel invisible and taken for granted. Geez Louise, I sound pitiful! We basically sent Rachel to Scotland, Paris, Mexico, etc. Some of these were medical for her husband but she wanted to go so we purchased plane tix and then gave her a bit of spending money. I don't want a gift for this. Others would do the same, just a little call for nothing or email for just thinking of you. Enough of my whining. I've probably said too much and you probably have lots of readers wishing I'd end this ridiculous pity party.
I think a fiction piece would be great. One could insert appropriate things from life and build around it as you want. It may also make you stronger and feel better about yourself. You were definitely put on this earth to heal and heal you do. You give so generously of your time and your loving thoughts. I know our offspring don't often tune in but they really don't know what a gracious, lovely Mom they have. And I also know that's typical but I can't figure out why. One week I think we have "all our ducks in a row" and the next week they're squawking or waddling off to ignore you. I definitely agree on the hurt feelings and the uncertainty of where these feelings came from.
I have felt really down since I came back from R.T. I really enjoyed R.T. but something was bugging me even then but I still can't pinpoint it. Any drs reading? I always think of Huey Lewis & the News and their song, "I want a new drug." If it would let me see myself in a positive light I would be all over it but I doubt that's the answer or the cure. O.K., it's NOT all about me. I have to remind myself.
I doubt if I've aided you at all but that was my intent. If I would manage to work through the cobwebs of my mind and pull out any pearls of wisdom I'll let you know. Do not hold your breath! It is a tangled web in there.
Oh good grief, I forgot my money. I talked about serenity yesterday and my cottage. Today I want to go (and all who would like to tag along on my very excellent adventure) to a secluded place where there is a resident dr equipped with all the knowledge to change those patterns of thinking which are detrimental and make that permanent. Then we can learn to also help others if we are asked to do so. Wouldn't it be wonderful to look in the mirror and see a good person. Not necessarily a glamorous one but one that satifies. I'm going to quit before I start on my soapbox again. My wish for all today is to celebrate your life and the day we have. It's cold and windy here but I trying to recognize what I like about that..taking me a little time! Best wishes and hugs, Kay
I wish I could help you ladies. But you listened to me at Easter time.. And it really did help me. And you ladies are not alone. My kids are doing better with the letting me know how much they love me. And I do know that your children love you but sometimes they loved themsleves too much.And forget how much they love you and how we much we have given up for them. maybe that is the problem, we did give them too much. We just wanted them not to go thru what we did.
Kay, I so wanted to help you at RT but didn't know how to help you. And then I called you a name in love and fun and it hit a wrong nerve in you. I am so sorry. So my daughter called me a bitch to make you feel better. Do you feel better now????? She was just funning with me.
Steve is still in the hospital..We don't know when he is getting out. Now there is a negative man..He never says anything postive. The nurses run from his room. Becki said he had a black nurse and she heard every bad name you would call a black person. And she said she knew the nurse heard some of the comments..and then he had a Mexican the next day same thing.. And the Mexican nurse was the sweetous person. It was hard to stay in the room with him..DAvid is worried about him. He wants meds all the time and doesn't understand why he isn't getting a buzz.. o David thinks maybe he has be OD ing on meds at home.
David is having the hose on the pooper tomorrow.. Sorry but I have been laughing all day. He is a little worried because of Steve's problems. Becki and I have trying to get him to get one for a long time.
I have been working on computers today.
Kay where ever you want to go I will follow. A nice restful break would be good. How is the farming going?
Jennifer it was so nice to spend time with you at RT. You are always so much fun. And I have Fabio and me as my desktop wallpaper. I wonder if it makes David think I will leave him for Fabio. haha!!! Fabio needs to lighten his hair a little. It was a little too dark. but he still has that sex appeal...
Tomorrow is another day and it will be brighter for both of my best friends.. The Hell with kids!!! We have our husbands and our friends. And BOOKS... Good books from Carys and Jennifer. Later
I don't have anything to offer on the daughters/kids front except *hugs*. My sister is kind of doing the same thing to my mom, though there's other things thrown in there too for good measure. *sigh*
Something good? Hmm... We took a spur-of-the-moment trip to Eureka Springs this weekend. I have about half the work done that I need to do this week (read: by tomorrow evening) done so that I'll have nothing to do Thursday except pack and leave. :)
Best,
~Jen
By 
, at
5:15 PM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!
I hope you have a great day, I miss hearing from you but hope that you are having fun...
Love ya!
Brenda
